Thursday, January 26, 2006

Portrait of a Badass: ED-209

Character: ED-209
Actor: N/A
Film: Robocop (1987)
Badass Moment: ED gives some poor slob "twenty seconds to comply."

My Portrait of a Badass inductees until now have alternated male and female. Today I am faced with a dilemma: Does the name ED make ED-209 male? Does the inability to walk down stairs make ED-209 female? For the purposes of maintaining badass equality, it will be assumed that ED-209 is neither.

A glorious example of style over substance, ED-209 is Detroit's only hope against crime (except for Robocop, that stiff fool who walks around saying "Bad language makes for bad feelings." What a knob). ED-209 gets short shrift just because it kills indiscriminately, unable to recognize whether a suspect has dropped his weapon or not. But what ED-209 lacks in function, it makes up for by looking like a walking Audi concept car with machineguns where the mirrors should be.

Praise aside, if Detroit's crimefighting arsenal is down to a bipedal police droid with tragically oversized feet and a humanoid police cyborg with a tragically dorky walk, then all the bad things I've heard about Detroit are true, and I hope I never have to go there.

ED-209, you are a robotic badass. We must salute you. We have twenty seconds to comply.

Movie Soundtrack Fun!

Try singing along with the end title from Robocop, Jesse Jace style! The first time I saw the movie and heard the music on the closing credits, these lyrics naturally popped into my head:

He was a robot / He was a cop
He was a Robocop
He was a human / And he got shot
Now he's a Robocop!

Robocop! / Robocop!
Robocop! / Robocop!
Robocop! / Robocop!
Robocop! / Robocop!

[repeat until you lose consciousness]

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