Kiru Your TV: Aura no Izumi

Just because I stop making Kiru Your TV posts after the first one doesn't mean I stop being sick of Japanese TV. Whether it's a show where people over-react to the taste of okonomiyaki, or a show where people get teary-eyed over goofy dramatizations of real-life medical miracles, Fiancee usually has to crank up the volume in order to hear the show over the sound of my grinding teeth. But if there's one genre of TV show that really annoys me to no end, it's that of "spiritual advice."

TV psychics, baby.

As a representative title for this genre, I'll use TV Asahi's Aura no Izumi (Aura Fountain). This is a show where, basically speaking, a celebrity guest is brought on to speak about his or her insecurities so that a pair of counselors can read the guest's "aura." Manning the emotional baggage claim are spiritual adviser Ehara Hiroyuki (a hefty, effeminate dude in a kimono) and elderly singer/cross-dresser Miwa Akihiro (an old man with bright yellow hair, dressed as a woman). If it sounds a bit strange, then I've described it correctly. Here's what Mr. Miwa looks like:

I've got no problems with a guy who's more comfortable in women's clothes, but somebody was playing a cruel joke on this guy when they convinced him to buy that mane of dandelion fury at the wig shop.

Anyway, after a bit of discussion between the guest and hosts, Ehara produces something called a "Spiritual Message." It's pretty much a flowery haiku, accompanied by maudlin music, designed to make the celebrity guest feel good about himself. And it often prompts the guest to cry tears of ultimate redemption. Meanwhile, viewers like me are crying tears of ultimate exasperation.

Another annoying thing about this show is the condescending, grandmotherly tone in which both hosts speak to the guests. And that is amplified by the guests' tendency to react with fake (but polite) awe and respect. They usually say things like "Heeeeeh, naruhodo! ("Oooooh, I seeee!") in order to properly convey the idea that, yes, Ehara and Miwa really are geniuses who really do have all the answers and really can solve your every problem in life.

You might recall that, in my previous Kiru Your TV about SMAPxSMAP, I complained that the show's main purpose was to entertain the cast rather than the audience. The same troublesome dynamic is at work here in Aura no Izumi, leading me to believe that Japanese TV is suffering from a crippling dependency on celebrity personalities. There has to be a happy medium between that and watching a dozen unlikeable nobodies running obstacle courses and getting diarrhea on a deserted island.

Aura no Izumi airs every Saturday night on TV Asahi at the unlikely time of 7:57. Don't ever watch it.

Kiru Your TV: SMAPxSMAP

Japanese TV seems to annoy me more and more each day. Lately I can't be in the same room as a TV without shuddering in disgust at one of the idiotic shows passed off as entertainment on the Japanese airwaves. For that reason, today I'm starting a new feature called Kiru Your TV. Kiru is a handy Japanese verb that simultaneously means "cut," "kill" or "turn off." SAFETY FIRST! If you decide to "cut" your TV with any kind of bladed weapon, make sure to unplug it first.

My first nomination for being kiru'ed is a show called SMAPxSMAP (with a silent "X"), the foremost televisual vehicle for the ever-aging idol group SMAP. SMAPxSMAP is a multi-segmented show which aims to prove that SMAP (Nakai Masahiro, Kimura "Kimutaku" Takuya, Inagaki Goro, Kusanagi Tsuyoshi and Katori Shingo) can do everything. They cook fancy food for celebrity guests in a segment called "Bistro SMAP." They perform comedic sketches. They do all sorts of fun and interesting things, but the show always ends with a musical segment.

At this point, it's important to know one thing about SMAP: They are funny comedians and talented actors (and, apparently, gifted chefs). But one thing SMAP cannot do is the very thing they were assembled by Johnny's idol talent agency to do, which is singing.

A typical episode of SMAPxSMAP ends with a special musical guest appearance by a "real" musician. The guest participates in a question/answer session with the SMAP boys, after which they all share the stage for what can only be described as an orgy of musical pain: SMAP joins their musical superior in a poorly-arranged ensemble, often presented in a horribly out-of-tune unison.

I cannot help but ask, Why does this show exist? Certainly I'm not the only person who feels the ear pain and embarrassment that comes naturally when SMAP collides with a musical legend like Stevie Wonder (pictured above). But I always reach the same conclusion: Self-indulgence. It's undeniably fun to sing. And it must be even more fun to sing with a musician you really admire. But SMAP's attempts to do so are not fun for anybody but SMAP, and should not be televised.

Witness the video. Watch an amazingly patient Stevie Wonder share the stage. The SMAP boys do nothing but sit quietly and bop around on their seats during the first song. Then, around the 3:53 mark, "I Just Called to Say I Love You" starts...and with it, the agony. Highlights include:

4:12 - Nakai looks really funny when he sings the word "hearts."

4:21 - SMAP can't agree on the vocal rhythm for "no song to sing."

5:00 - Nakai attempts some artsy hand gestures.

5:37 - The bottom of Kimutaku's heart is actually his liver.

5:51 to 6:13 - Nakai and Kusanagi sing something other than the real lyrics and are bailed out by Stevie at the last second.