Let's Learn Japanese: Takumirosu

The Japanese preschool TV world was rocked this week by Mitani Takumi's announcement that she would "graduate" (which is a flowery way of saying "quit") her role as Takumi-neesan on NHK's morning children's show Okaasan to Issho. The announcement prompted an online outpouring of grief from her fans.

Let me clarify "fans." I don't mean the kids who watch the show. I mean their dads.

With a soft, motherly manner and a competent soprano voice to match, Takumi-neesan is a weekday morning favorite among one crucial demographic: fathers of small children, whose wives can't sing. So dads across Japan heard the news and started flooding internet forums with the word Takumirosu (her first name plus rosu, from the English word "loss").

This isn't the first time the public has mourned the "loss" of a celebrity in such a manner, nor is it exclusively men who react in such a way. In September 2015, women across Japan reacted with Fukuyamarosu when rugged pop crooner Fukuyama Masaharu got married.

Mitani's decision to quit is likely a combination of factors. For example, at 29 years of age, she's probably caught in a tug of war between her deafening biological clock and the draconian contractural requirements imposed on her by NHK – you know, just standard rules like:

• no boyfriends
• no childbirth
• no tattoos
• no eating on the sidewalk
• NO YELLING ON THE BUS

Takumi-neesan was already on Okaasan to Issho when I became a father, and has been since then until now, so I have known no other Uta no Oneesan ("Song Lady," her de facto title). Weekday mornings won't be the same without her.

Japanese FF13 Ad

This is one of several humorous TV ads I've seen for Final Fantasy XIII over the past two weeks. A teacher taking time off to play video games...like that could ever happen. I mean...right?

Plumber the Reporter

I take offense when Americans who suffer from a chronic case of "I don't know what the hell I'm talking about" syndrome (IDKWTHITAS) find ways to perpetuate the popular image of the Stupid American abroad.

Chromedomed idiot Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, who became famous for no particular reason during the 2008 presidential race, has no experience as a war correspondent, no experience as a reporter, no experience as a journalist and, judging from turns of phrase such as "I don't think journalists should be anywhere allowed war," not very much experience speaking English.

Yet, for some reason, he's been sent to Israel as a "war correspondent" by conservative opinion website PajamasTV:

"Joe" says, in the above clip, that he "liked back in World War I and World War II, when you'd go to the threater and you'd see your troops on the screen." For someone who went to the threater during World War I, this "Joe" is incredibly well-preserved.

I'm also wondering if maybe his new bosses at PajamasTV couldn't have informed their new correspondent a little more thoroughly before sending him overseas. In this excerpt from a conversation between Wurzelbacher and an Israeli reporter, he attempts to create journalistic drama by manufacturing a "disagreement" (WARNING: This failed attempt at "gotcha!" reporting may cause confusion, dizziness and nausea):

JOE: The story here is people are being killed and the media's slanting it and trying to make it Hamas is, uh, as far as, that Israel's being bad. Do you believe Israel is bad?

REPORTER: Do I believe it?

JOE: Yeah, do you?!

REPORTER: I'm Israeli, so...

JOE: So answer the question!

REPORTER: No, I don't think Israel is bad.

JOE: Do you think Israel has every right to protect itself?

REPORTER: Yeah.

[pause]

JOE: You do?!

REPORTER: Yeah.

JOE: Have you said that on air?

REPORTER: I'm just a reporter.

Plumber, get out of the reporter's way before a rocket falls on your head. Your every action since last October has been designed for one purpose only: To get attention. What other explanation can their be for someone becoming a war correspondent and then using their airtime to decry the existence of war correspondents? Oh wait, there is another explanation. YOU'RE A PLUMBER.

Did You Ever Notice

...that someone speaks the line "We're here" in every episode of Lost?

Kiru Your TV: Aura no Izumi

Just because I stop making Kiru Your TV posts after the first one doesn't mean I stop being sick of Japanese TV. Whether it's a show where people over-react to the taste of okonomiyaki, or a show where people get teary-eyed over goofy dramatizations of real-life medical miracles, Fiancee usually has to crank up the volume in order to hear the show over the sound of my grinding teeth. But if there's one genre of TV show that really annoys me to no end, it's that of "spiritual advice."

TV psychics, baby.

As a representative title for this genre, I'll use TV Asahi's Aura no Izumi (Aura Fountain). This is a show where, basically speaking, a celebrity guest is brought on to speak about his or her insecurities so that a pair of counselors can read the guest's "aura." Manning the emotional baggage claim are spiritual adviser Ehara Hiroyuki (a hefty, effeminate dude in a kimono) and elderly singer/cross-dresser Miwa Akihiro (an old man with bright yellow hair, dressed as a woman). If it sounds a bit strange, then I've described it correctly. Here's what Mr. Miwa looks like:

I've got no problems with a guy who's more comfortable in women's clothes, but somebody was playing a cruel joke on this guy when they convinced him to buy that mane of dandelion fury at the wig shop.

Anyway, after a bit of discussion between the guest and hosts, Ehara produces something called a "Spiritual Message." It's pretty much a flowery haiku, accompanied by maudlin music, designed to make the celebrity guest feel good about himself. And it often prompts the guest to cry tears of ultimate redemption. Meanwhile, viewers like me are crying tears of ultimate exasperation.

Another annoying thing about this show is the condescending, grandmotherly tone in which both hosts speak to the guests. And that is amplified by the guests' tendency to react with fake (but polite) awe and respect. They usually say things like "Heeeeeh, naruhodo! ("Oooooh, I seeee!") in order to properly convey the idea that, yes, Ehara and Miwa really are geniuses who really do have all the answers and really can solve your every problem in life.

You might recall that, in my previous Kiru Your TV about SMAPxSMAP, I complained that the show's main purpose was to entertain the cast rather than the audience. The same troublesome dynamic is at work here in Aura no Izumi, leading me to believe that Japanese TV is suffering from a crippling dependency on celebrity personalities. There has to be a happy medium between that and watching a dozen unlikeable nobodies running obstacle courses and getting diarrhea on a deserted island.

Aura no Izumi airs every Saturday night on TV Asahi at the unlikely time of 7:57. Don't ever watch it.

Dick Commercial Found!

Vigilant CIC reader Sluggo has found a link to the "I am a dick" commercial I described in my earlier post. Click here and select the 15-second version with the button at the lower-left of the viewer. And remember, the Japanese text on the screen at the end of the commercial reads, "Dick."

Commercial: "I Am A Dick"

I can't make up stuff this funny. The rest of the cherry blossom photos will have to wait because I just saw a TV commercial so ridiculous that my fingers have immediately begun blogging about it involuntarily. First, a little back story.

There is this Japanese loan company called Dick. Dick (the most logical spelling of its name, since it is spelled ディック -- Dikku -- in katakana) started out with the name Ike (アイク -- Aiku), until one day, without warning, they started airing this TV ad announcing that their new name would be Dick. Fiancee (then Girlfriend) and I immediately recognized this as one of the worst name changes possible and laughed about it for a long time.

More recently, Dick started a campaign with the English catchphrase "I am a hero." The ads feature images of individuals whose lives have been made exciting and fun by borrowing money at ludicrous interest rates and a Japanese sub-slogan which translates roughly as "Because you are the main character." When I saw these ads, I thought this new catchphrase was a step in the right direction. Anything's better than relying on the strength of your company's name alone, when your company's name happens to be Dick.

Unfortunately, the commercial I saw tonight is a giant leap in the wrong direction. We see some footage of a young business man looking intrepid and financially confident. A male voice-over says, "Boku wa..." and there is an English translation of his voice-over on the screen. Next we see a similarly empowered-looking female on the screen, and a female voice says, "Atashi wa..." with the accomanying English translation.

Now, had I translated "Boku wa" and "Atashi wa" to English, I'd have come up with "I am." Makes sense, considering Dick's previous "I am a hero" campaign. But the English on the screen when these people speak says, "I am a..."with the article "a" included on the end.

You can see where this is going. After a couple repeats of the voice-over and English translation "I am a..." the commercial ends and we are shown the name of the company in big katakana letters: Dick.

"I am a Dick."

I don't have a video of this commercial, but some other observant Japan blogger is bound to pick up on this and post the commercial on YouTube. I'll keep a watchful eye out for it.

Let's Learn Japanese: Maji Ureteru

Maji ureteru is a colloquial way of saying that a product or person is in high demand. Think of it as something like "selling like hotcakes," only less hokey.

Comedian Kojima Yoshio （小島よしお）is maji ureteru. I first saw him on TV last August and his popularity has been increasing ever since. Like many Japanese comedians, his brand of "comedy" relies heavily, if not exclusively, on a single gag. In the case of Mr. Kojima, that gag is showing up in a Speedo, dancing to some techno music and then chanting "Demo sonnano kankei neh!" ("But that's beside the point!") while pantomiming that he's repeatedly punching a fallen victim. Then he strikes a really sily pose and says the nonsense word oppappii.

It's funny.....in Japan, anyway.

When asked during a satirical interview what "oppappii" means, Kojima offered that it's an acronym for "Ocean Pacific Peace." I'm pretty sure he just made that up on the spot for comedic purposes, but ever since then, that's been the official explanation of the meaning of "oppappii." Japan, being the impressionable nation it is, heard his explanation and ate it up in vast quantities.

In the past thirty days, Kojima Yoshio has begun appearing in a number of TV commercials, all of which feature him doing his "thing" with little variation. One commercial substitutes his "oppappii" with "kurisupii" (crispy). You get the idea.

Due to the ippatsu gei (one-gag comedy) nature of Kojima's performance, it's likely that he will end up in the metaphorical trash bin that is the final resting place for all comedians of his ilk. See also: Sakano Dandy and Hata Yoku. Will Kojima Yoshio suffer this fate? See for yourself and hazard a guess:

click for video

The link shows a relatively early TV appearance of Mr. Kojima. More recent appearances tend to dispense with the talking and get straight to the dancing.

Happy Birthday, Takigawa Christel

I've been meaning to write a blog post about Takigawa Christel, my favorite Tokyo news anchor, for a couple of years now. Since October 1, 2007 marks her 30th birthday, I guess today is a good day to do it.
The sleepy-eyed queen of Fuji TV's evening news was born in Paris to a Japanese mother and French father, who gave her the epic moniker Masami/Christel Takigawa Lardux.
I fully support her decision to shorten her name for TV.
On the evening news, Ms. Takigawa plays second fiddle to an old dude who always sounds like he's lecturing her...and when he's not doing that, he's conducting an interview with a foreign correspondent or politician in really goofy-sounding English. Despite being upstaged, however, Ms. Takigawa continues to charm audiences to no end with her "special move."
I'll bet you didn't know that Japanese newscasters had special moves. Everyone has special moves in Japan. This is the country that spawned Street Fighter, isn't it?
Takigawa Christel's hissatsuwaza is as follows: She glances at an up-and-to-the-left camera, says "Tsuzuite wa, Nyuusu Furasshu desu" ("And now, News Flash"), and does the cutest tight-lipped smile in the entire broadcast world.
The power of this special move is devastating. See for yourself in this fascinating YouTube video why Takigawa Christel is the anchor with the mostest.

Kiru Your TV: SMAPxSMAP

Japanese TV seems to annoy me more and more each day. Lately I can't be in the same room as a TV without shuddering in disgust at one of the idiotic shows passed off as entertainment on the Japanese airwaves. For that reason, today I'm starting a new feature called Kiru Your TV. Kiru is a handy Japanese verb that simultaneously means "cut," "kill" or "turn off." SAFETY FIRST! If you decide to "cut" your TV with any kind of bladed weapon, make sure to unplug it first.

My first nomination for being kiru'ed is a show called SMAPxSMAP (with a silent "X"), the foremost televisual vehicle for the ever-aging idol group SMAP. SMAPxSMAP is a multi-segmented show which aims to prove that SMAP (Nakai Masahiro, Kimura "Kimutaku" Takuya, Inagaki Goro, Kusanagi Tsuyoshi and Katori Shingo) can do everything. They cook fancy food for celebrity guests in a segment called "Bistro SMAP." They perform comedic sketches. They do all sorts of fun and interesting things, but the show always ends with a musical segment.

At this point, it's important to know one thing about SMAP: They are funny comedians and talented actors (and, apparently, gifted chefs). But one thing SMAP cannot do is the very thing they were assembled by Johnny's idol talent agency to do, which is singing.

A typical episode of SMAPxSMAP ends with a special musical guest appearance by a "real" musician. The guest participates in a question/answer session with the SMAP boys, after which they all share the stage for what can only be described as an orgy of musical pain: SMAP joins their musical superior in a poorly-arranged ensemble, often presented in a horribly out-of-tune unison.

I cannot help but ask, Why does this show exist? Certainly I'm not the only person who feels the ear pain and embarrassment that comes naturally when SMAP collides with a musical legend like Stevie Wonder (pictured above). But I always reach the same conclusion: Self-indulgence. It's undeniably fun to sing. And it must be even more fun to sing with a musician you really admire. But SMAP's attempts to do so are not fun for anybody but SMAP, and should not be televised.

Witness the video. Watch an amazingly patient Stevie Wonder share the stage. The SMAP boys do nothing but sit quietly and bop around on their seats during the first song. Then, around the 3:53 mark, "I Just Called to Say I Love You" starts...and with it, the agony. Highlights include:

4:12 - Nakai looks really funny when he sings the word "hearts."

4:21 - SMAP can't agree on the vocal rhythm for "no song to sing."

5:00 - Nakai attempts some artsy hand gestures.

5:37 - The bottom of Kimutaku's heart is actually his liver.

5:51 to 6:13 - Nakai and Kusanagi sing something other than the real lyrics and are bailed out by Stevie at the last second.

Prowl

On Tuesdays I work with fellow ESL blogger Sleiman. Every Tuesday for the past month our downtime at the workplace is dominated by discussion of the Transformers.

The Transformers franchise was, in its many incarnations, an integral part of my childhood. I watched avidly as Starscream tried to usurp power from Megatron every week on the cartoon show. I worked hard on my impersonation of Soundwave's voice. I ran around pretending to transform, saying, "ee-er-ar-ur." It was a simpler day.

What first comes to my mind when I think of the Transformers today is Prowl. Prowl was a police car that could transform into a robot with twin rocket launchers mounted on his shoulders. He was a hallmark of the Transformers' awesomeness, until the franchise spiralled into madness (characterized by nonsense such as Astrotrain, a foolishly designed robot/locomotive/shace shuttle).

There is much buzz about the new Transformers movie coming out next year, and if Prowl doesn't get a cinamtic treatment worthy of Portrait of a Badass in that movie, I'll be disappointed...especially after his lackluster role and unceremonious, one-hit death at the hand of some lame Constructicon in Transformers: The Movie (1986).

Technorati: Transformers / Portrait of a Badass

Me, I'm Afraid of Heights

My cousin the rapper recommended that I watch the 2004 BBC documentary The Power of Nightmares: The Rise of the Politics of Fear.

My cousin the rapper was right. I watched it and it was excellent.

It's a very adequate three-part explanation of the the American neoconservative movement's dependence on invented enemies and phantom threats. Most importantly, it seeks to drive home what I feel is one of the most important ideas of our day: that our current administration has re-labeled paranoia as "vigilance" and cowardice as "strength."

Each part is one hour long. Please find time to watch all three. Then tell your friends to watch all three. People need to realize that constant, irrational fear of terrorism went out of style with fluorescent pink Trapper Keepers and the Texas Instruments TI-99/4A Home Computer.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Women: Japan Has Some More

It's been too long since I expounded upon the joys of living in Japan, home of the best-maintained women on earth. In my last look at the fairer sekkusu, I expressed my enthusiasm over Inoue Waka, Ueto Aya and Matsushima Nanako. That was way back in June! Few things stay popular with Japan's fickle public for such a long period, and as such, here's an updated look at the females who constantly usurp my attention.
Ito Misaki
Ito Misaki, 28, has enjoyed increased popularity lately due to starring roles on two very successful TV series: Densha Otoko (Train Man), the story of a nerdy guy who meets the love of his life by saving her from imminent groping on a commuter train, and Kiken na Aneki (Dangerous Sister), the story of a nerdy guy whose annoying sister comes to live with him while she moonlights as a club hostess. It's worth mentioning that, while Japanese TV is often annoying without trying to be, even a Japanese TV series about an annoying sister is watchable if that sister is Ito Misaki. Also boasting endorsement contracts with Vodafone and Shiseido, Misaki is charging headlong towards the precarious, termite-ridden, highly flammable bridge that is TV stardom in Japan.
Just the other day I was in Ginza Subway Station and I saw a big promotional display for Kiken na Aneki, with a life-size cardboard standee of Ito Misaki. The importance of the security guard patrolling the display was obvious.
Ito Misaki's Official Website
Yamaguchi Moe
To be honest, I don't know that much about Moe (two syllables: "Mo-eh"), also 28. She falls into the catch-all category of "talent," a celebrity who makes tons of guest appearances on variety shows and in TV commercials (thanks to support from her promotion agency, which is also home to Shibasaki Kou), but does not yet quite have enough "celebrity capital" to be in high demand for dramatic roles.
Ms. Yamaguchi has won the hearts of men all over the country with her soft voice, which walks a fine line between adorable and deplorable. To anyone who doubts the power of a cute-sounding voice, please witness Moe's endorsement of the anti-diarrhea medicine called Stoppa, in which she appears in a thought balloon above the head of a distressed businessman and reminds him that his Stoppa tablets are in his right pocket. Moe's appeal has also recently been used to promote such unsexy products as ham and vegetable juice.
Yamaguchi Moe's Official Website
Ogura Yuuko
I could claim that Yamaguchi-san's too-cute-for-TV voice was a unique quality, but I'd be doing a disservice to Ogura Yuuko, 22, the best possible Japanese facsimile of a ditzy blonde you'll ever find. Yuuko is an "idol," which is Japanese for "model/singer/sex object." She can be seen in countless DVDs, prancing around in a bikini while her voice-over explains that she loves rabbits and pandas and that her grandparents are so very important to her. Yeah, important, but not so important that she would throw away her career in order to save them the embarrassment of seeing their granddaughter [VOICE="David Brent"] bandied about willy-nilly [/VOICE].
Yuuko's voice, while cute, is most definitely NOT the reason I find her appealing. If I were her high school teacher I would always be saying to her, "Are you asking me, or telling me?" She talks like a child trapped in the body of a slightly older child. Rather, what I like about Yuuko is her eyes, which are ever so slightly crossed most of the time. (I have this weird thing for girls who eyes aren't quite right. Hence, my worship of Lucy Liu.)
CORRECTION: I previously stated that Ogura Yuuko appears in a pachinko commercial. I was mistaken; it's actually a commercial for the amusement hotbed known as Joypolis. My "hail to the king baby" joke, however, stands.
Ogura Yuuko's Official Website

Women: Japan has some.

Embarassing, but true: A lot of male English teachers in Japan admit (is it still called "admitting" if it's done proudly?) that their primary motivation for moving to Japan is women. I, on the other hand, can triumphantly say that one of my major motivators was not women, but a woman. But enough about why I moved here. Now that I'm here, here are some women with whom Girlfriend battles for the title of Queen of My Heart.
Waka Inoue
Waka Inoue hails from he Japanese "idol" agency known as Yellow Cab, whose talents are mainly famous for two reasons. I'll give you a hint what those two reasons are: one of them is LEFT BREAST. Waka's breasts have secured her a place on many a TV program, as well as an ad contract with the loan company Promise.
The first time I saw a Promise commercial, I reacted unfavorably to Waka. She sang the jingle ("pu, ro, mi-su!") and shot the camera a smile I can only describe as sheepish. I remember saying, "Who is that woman? She looks positively sheepish!"
A year later, after realizing that Waka Inoue is actually really beautiful, I saw another commercial (a TV ad for a door manufacturer, I think) in which Waka was actually dressed in a cute little sheep costume.
Aya Ueto
Speaking of cute animal costumes, consider Aya Ueto. With even more commercial credits to her name (including a few for Sompo Japan where she is dressed as a panda), she is currently riding a tall wave of fame. That fame began when she won a nationwide teen beauty pageant a few years ago, which somehow launched her career as a pop singer and an actress.
I don't care for her singing, and as an actress she's nothing great. But how can you say no to a commercial with Aya dressed as a panda? Or Aya slapping at her ears and saying, "wa-wa-wa-wa-wa" to avoid hearing the outcome of a soccer game she recorded for later viewing? Or Aya eating yakiniku ("Ichi mai, ni mai! Umai!")? Aya Ueto is a veritable CM queen. NOTE: "CM" is Japanese for commercial. "Queen" is Japanese for, well, it's like a king, only female.
Nanako Matsushima
This lovely lady became famous in 1998, when a cursed video tape caused the death of her ex-husband. After that, she became the spokeswoman for Namacha bottled green tea. As a result, I now drink fifteen liters of green tea every day. Admitedly, she never appears in any commercials dressed as a fluffy animal, but she did enjoy wild popularity as a result of a Namacha commercial in which she walks around in snow shoes and manipulates a panda puppet.

Honyaku Friday

Heart failure is HOT

Looks like I can strike another item from my list of reasons I prefer living in Japan to living in the US

Reason #87: I don't have to see Paris Hilton on TV in Japan.

No longer! Sleepy-eyed Paris Hilton, who dominates VH1 specials stateside, has been refreshingly absent from the Japanese media until now. But the other day, Girlfriend was watching a morning gossip show and BOOM! There's Paris Hilton on the screen, rubbing a hamburger on herself. The hosts of the show exchanged some comments about the issue of the commercials alleged "sexiness," but the discourse ultimately wound up in coincidence with my own opinion: Paris Hilton cannot make fast food sexy.

This is not only because nothing can make fast food sexy, but also because I find Paris Hilton's tranquilizer-induced facial expressions completely unappealing. Seeing her bite into this six-pound hamburger (in her sleep?) isn't exactly a recipe for eroticism.

I hesitate to completely remove Reason #87 from my list, because this Japanese TV Paris mention could have been a one-time thing. Or, it could be the catapult that launches Paris Hilton to a Bob Sapp level of Japan fame.

Double-translated results from Yahoo Honkayu:

Japanese, I live in my living in U.S.A. and can seem to beat another item from my list of a reason to like.

Reason #87: I do not have to encounter Paris Hilton Hotel on TV in Japan.

No, I am longer! The Japanese media did not have Paris Hilton Hotel (the person influences VH1 special in U.S.A.) which had sleepy eyes refreshingly till now. However, Girlfriend watched gossip show and BOOM in the morning the other day! There is Paris Hilton Hotel to a screen. And I rub the surface of her own with a hamburger. The host of a show changed some comment about a problem of "the seductiveness" that it took of commercial suspicion, but the statement was finally over for agreement of accident in an opinion of my own: Paris Hilton Hotel cannot make fast food sexy.

Because the expression that I say that I am sexy, and anything can do fast food, and I was completely caused by a tranquilizer of Paris Hilton Hotel discovers what unappealing does, there is this. She a hamburger (in her sleep?) of these 6 pounds Is similar, and bite it, and seeing it being accompanied of eroticism is not always a recipe.

Because this Japanese television Paris mention was able to be an old thing, I completely hesitate in removing Reason #87 from my list. Or Bob Sapp level of Japanese fame was able to be the pachinko which started Paris Hilton Hotel it.

Jack Bauer for Calorie Mate

Marketing minds behind the popular Calorie Mate energy bar seem bent on creating a new image for their product as hero food.

In contrast to last summer's low-key TV spots for Calorie Mate (featuring a too-cool-for-school young man and a spoken-word jingle, not nearly angry enough to be called "rap"), more recent ventures have placed the product in the video game Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (how many times can I mention Metal Gear in this blog?), and now, in TV and print ads starring Kiefer Sutherland.

The ads, inspired by the TV drama 24, doesn't draw any specific connections between Jack Bauer and the "balanced food block." We can guess, however, that Jack Bauer is yelling into his phone, "Give me some Calorie Mate right now! Just do it, Tony!"

This picture is of an ad board in the Ginza subway station. I did a little checking around online and found that most non-Japanese websites that talk about Calorie Mate are quick to call it "apparently disgusting," and "oh grody, I mean balanced food block, what EVER." The truth is, it's not bad. It's designed as a rudimentary energy source, and it does the job. You could do much worse...for example, this.