Sunday, March 04, 2007

I Was Wrong About Britney Spears

I used to have this theory that Britney Spears was a cyborg. Around the time her punctuationally challenged album Oops!...I Did It Again came out, I began to harbor suspicion that no woman who appeared as physically flawless as Britney could possibly be real. She had to be some kind of [voice="Arnold"] cybernetic organism...a learning computer [/voice]. I theorized that, during a live TV interview, someone would accientally spill coffee on her and she'd short-circuit. Or maybe, during a high-speed freeway evasion of the paparazzi, her convertible would overturn and she'd be decapitated, revealing a neck full of sputtering wires and fiber optics. Maybe she'd be eating spinach and her face would suddenly go all droopy like in the movie AI.

Consider Britney's progression since 1999, when she was just a scrawny teen on the cover of a CD that was available only via mail order. She went from "scrawny teen" to "super-hottie" to "freakish cueball" all in the dangerously short period of eight years. And for the majority of those eight years, I was reasonably sure that she would turn out to be some kind of perverse Disney animatron. She showed all the textbook signs, from her perfect physique to her inability to love. Plus, she wasn't really such a good singer. (Have you ever heard a robot sing? Christ, earplugs, please.) She also defended President George W. Bush in archive footage shown in Fahrenheit 9/11. Almost everyone I've ever heard defend Bush has evetually been exposed as a robot.

Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when it turned out that Britney Spears was, in fact, a completely normal human like you or me. No cyborg would leave K-Fed (he has everything a cyborg looks for in a loser). No cyborg would shave her head for no reason (real cyborgs can shed any and all body hair at will, without so much as glancing at a pair of scissors). Not only was I surprised, but I was quite disappointed when I realized that sex robot technology had not progressed nearly as far as Britney had led me to believe.

So Britney, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I went around spreading rumors that you had Sony guts. I'm sorry I criticized my ex-girlfriend for buying your CD on the grounds that "cyborgs in the record industry are the reason there is no good pop music any more." I'm sorry I ever doubted that you were 100% human, and therefore 100% capable of clinical insanity.

Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?

Technorati: Britney Spears / cyborg

1 comment:

(fragments of the alternative) said...

I dunno, you might not wanna abandon this faith.

I mean, who knows. She might just be a cyborg sent from the future to observe us technologically incapable fools - but remember, she was sent as a teenager! Naturally she'd indulge herself and forget all about her mission.