Friday, February 01, 2008

Japan Tobacco Wants Us All Dead

Many thanks to all those who offered guidance on my iPod replacement adventure. I will consider every option (even those goofy music player shoes from outer space).

My daily musical goings-on have been superseded by the far more pressing issue of DEATH GYOZA! This week saw dozens of "claimers" (corrupted English for people of a litigious nature) who stood up and said, "me too" after some imported Chinese gyoza dumplings were reported to have been the cause of unconsciousness in some Japanese kids. Apparently, these pesticide-flavored gyoza are very popular in elementary school lunchrooms...and kids, as we all know, come runnin' for the taste of pesticide.

The Japanese press has gone out of their way to let you know that these gyoza came from China. Incredibly, the incident seems to have reinstated China as the #1 perceived threat to Japanese people, a position long occupied by North Korea. What gets some (although not enough) attention is the fact that the domestic distributor of this tainted food is none other than Japan Tobacco, whose slogan is "JT: The Delight Factory." From now on, however, JT's slogan in my mind will be "JT: The Narcotic Gyoza Factory."

Japan Tobacco has bothered me for a long time now. Ignoring the fact that they're an inherently evil cigarette giant, they grab my annoyed attention every day with their inane TV ads. They have ads with U2 playing in the background (somebody call Bono) bragging about how JT is contributing to scientific progress. They put ads on the train admonishing people who don't practice "good manners" when they smoke. Oh, and by the way, their top seller is a happy little product called "Delight." Buncha clowns.

The good news is that, with all the media coverage and repeated airings of the list of products consumers who don't like the tangy zip of pesticide should avoid, JT Foods will have to be more careful about their importing practices, lest people see that the Delight Factory is also the Unconsciousness, Nausea and Vomiting Factory.

Suddenly I'm hungry for gyoza.

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