Thursday, February 24, 2005

Bush unveils new 2005 wars

WASHINGTON - Just in time for spring, President Bush announced plans for new wars in a press conference today. Dozens of journalists jostled for a better look at the new spring line, which is poised to take the world by storm.

"Following our victory in the War on Terror, which should be pretty well wrapped up by mid-March, the US and our allies will launch new campaigns to rid the world of other impleasant [sic] abstractitudes [sic]," announced the Commander in Chief.

Bush went on to name specific targets in the upcoming American crusades, citing a "War on Horror," in which the US military will take steps to counteract the negative effects of movies like Final Destination and Leprechaun, as well as new wars on jealousy, disappointment and "nuditry" [sic], none of which were explained in today's press conference.

Bush appealed for unity in the months to come. "We need to stand together and tell the world that we will no longer allow our children to be targeted by people like Freddy Kruger. We need to sleep at night, knowing that our loved ones are free from the hardships associated with Child's Play II."

Bush also hinted at future plans for a "War on War," of which no details are known at this time.

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