Monday, December 03, 2007

Energy Proposal

A while ago I ran across a comment on someone else's blog (I'd post the link if I could remember where I saw it) to the effect of, "Texas should secede from the US and become its own sovereign nation." While talk of Texan secession is usually a warning sign that a lot of hot air about Davy Crockett is about to follow, I suddenly found myself reassessing my views. In light of recent high petroleum prices and talk of an impending fuel crisis, the United States of America might find that allowing Texas to secede from the Union could work in the favor of the remaining forty-nine states.

At present, Texas is the top consumer of oil in the country, with nearly double the consumption of the next thirstiest state, California (source). Amazingly, the needs of Texas alone constitute almost 17% of the current national total consumption of oil, so secession alone would alleviate a considerable amount of US dependence on the black gold.

I know what you're saying. "But Jesse, that black gold is Texas tea! Wouldn't we also be allowing the majority of our domestic oil reserves to walk away, never to return?" Of course not. As you have most certainly noticed, American oil dependence has dictated the actions of our nation's military for some years now. Faced with the supply crisis brought on by Texan secession, the remaining United States (which I propose to name itself USMT: United States Minus Texas) would, in turn, invade Texas to seize control of its oil. Texas's fledgling military, consisting entirely of obese old men in recliners yelling, "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" would be powerless to stop this invasion (which, by the way, I'm certain would be endorsed by the United Nations). As a result of the invasion, the USMT would be entitled to the benefits of Texas's oil wealth, while remaining completely free of the burden associated with supporting the now war-torn former state's disproportionate energy addiction.

Added bonus: With the recently defeated Texas's economy in ruins, the USMT would be in a position to start outsourcing dirt-cheap labor across the USMT-Texas border. Texas's newly installed puppet dictator would not least not if he wanted to keep his summer home in Michigan.

To find out how you can help Texas secede from the United States (and to see a funny animation of Texas floating out into the Atlantic Ocean), visit

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