Portrait of a Badass: Mrs. White

We're going visual, everyone! Check out POAB's first video entry.

Creation from destruction

"By causing a little destruction, I am, in fact, encouraging life."
Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg

Long-time readers may be aware of my disdain for the movie Mr. Holland's Opus. To summarize, it's a movie that purports to sing the praises of a "great" teacher and musician (who is actually poor at any endeavor he undertakes – what kind of composer takes his entire adult life to finish a single piece? And what kind of teacher begins his Music Appreciation class by having students read a definition of the word "music" from a textbook?).

Where there is disdain, there is potential. My complete lack of respect for the film made possible a guilt-free vandalization thereof. The result is a video you will either find humorous or asinine.

Beating Metroid's first quest in under an hour

Last week I made up my mind to face a demon of my childhood — the Metroid (1986) on the NES. Intimidating, not because I couldn’t finish it, but because of something I thought I’d never be able to do: finish the first playthrough in under an hour to get the best ending.

When I played Metroid as a child, I went in basically blind. I didn’t have maps or strategy guides, so I went about it in a trial-and-error kind of way. I think I tried to make my own map at some point, but that in and of itself was a huge project; before I had finished mapping the game, I think I had moved on to some other difficult game like Bionic Commando and couldn’t be bothered to actually put my map to good use.

I did eventually finish the game in my childhood, but I did so in probably the least efficient manner possible. Metroid shows one of five different ending images of the main character depending on how long it takes the player to finish the game. The grand prize among these is awarded when the game is beat within 60 minutes, and shows a scientifically unlikely image of Samus standing on the barren surface of a featureless planetoid in a bikini and a pair of boots, happily waving at the player (presumably right before she asphyxiates and dies).

Silver Star < Medal of Honor < THIS

So Adult Me, now nearly 40 years old, went about re-creating the plan to achieve this ending. Normally I prefer visuals, i.e. maps, but Metroid’s world is so convoluted and repetitious, just looking at it in map form raises my blood pressure. In addition, having a map doesn’t really ensure the player will move through the game in the most time-efficient way possible. The non-linear nature of the game requires backtracking and allows flexibility, so even if you know where everything is, you still have to decide the order in which you do the tasks the game requires. So I decided to express my route through the game in the form of written steps.

A post shared by Jesse Thomas (@jessejacethomas) on Jul 31, 2018 at 6:40pm PDT

My favored route changed a few times in the course of this preparation, always in favor of efficiency. For example, don’t ask me why, but at first I had it in my mind that I needed to pick up the long beam before the bombs. No particular reason, other than that was how I’d always done it back in the day. But at some point I realized there’d be less backtracking if I got the bombs first. This change shaved a couple of minutes off my clear time, as did several other changes like it along the way.

As is the case with all of my NES gameplay videos, I made my attempt using an emulator. Normally emulators offer advantages, the greatest being save states. I don’t like using save states because it diminishes from the desperation and drama that were integral to the gaming experience of the 8-bit era. So, in this case, I only saved my game state at the points where the password screen came up (an equivalent action to writing down and using the password).

This, combined with my concern about how long it would take to grind to full health after getting a game over, meant I would commit to starting over from the beginning if I died on the Kraid boss fight, which I did several times, in attempts not shown in this video. Without the wave beam (which is technically an optional item) or the varia suit, Kraid is easily the hardest fight in the game. But saving Kraid until after visiting Norfair to get the varia suit costs valuable time, so I went into that fight less ready than I would have been had I not been aiming for the best ending. Even on the attempt recorded here, I came within one hit of dying before I beat him.

Happily, after beating Kraid the whole game gets easier. In a way, Kraid is the Harvey Weinstein of Metroid. His defeat kicks off a veritable “me too” movement allowing Samus to prosecute all her abusers to the full extent of the law. 

See? Literally the same. 

Yes, I did use the quick death input (the “up and A” trick) to jump to the password screen and save time while backtracking. In the end, I probably didn’t need to; my clear time (from selecting “START” to activating the final elevator, minus the time the game was paused) was about 48 minutes 40 seconds. I also abstained from using game-breaking glitches (like the “wall climb,” AKA the “door jump”) or sequence-breaking exploits (like crossing into Tourian without activating the bridge).

By the way, for all the advantages of using an emulator, there is one serious disadvantage. When Samus takes damage, she flickers. Because she flickers at a rate just slightly faster than the refresh rate of a 60 Hz monitor, she sometimes disappears completely after taking damage. When she takes a hit and falls into lava, this results in real frustration. Trying to guide an invisible Samus out of lava is like trying to flip an invisible 200-pound pancake while someone tickles you.

In the attempt that ended up in this video, there is a precarious period in the Norfair section of the game in which my health literally dropped to one, and stayed under 20 points for some time. (Apologies for the several minutes of low health warning alarm that resulted from this. That’s one of the most stress-inducing sounds in the history of video games.) But I wasn’t too worried about dying because, having recently gotten a password, I could have resumed play from right after having beaten Kraid and suffered no real setback. Luckily I enjoyed special treatment from the little "lava dragon" enemies, who unanimously agreed not to spit fireballs at me for some reason. Then I made it to the screw attack item, a major turning point for Samus’s offensive power, and reached the Miniboss Hideout II energy tank without dying. Finally, in Tourian, I had good luck in the form of one crucial missile drop from killing a metroid, which allowed me to survive the final room without running out of missiles.

Finally achieving Metroid's best ending made me want to revisit other tough games from my childhood. Bionic Commando, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Battletoads...games I cleared as a younger man, but have to muster up some patience to clear now. When I do, you can be sure I'll make videos.

Now I have a cooking video

I don't talk about it much here (well, for the past three months I haven't talked much about anything here), but the last few years have seen me improve greatly as a cook. The struggle to stand shoulder-to-shoulder in the kitchen with my wife, who really knows what she's doing, has motivated me to graduate from "random vegetables sautéed with terrible improvised sauce" to "carefully coordinated ingredients sautéed with tolerable improvised sauce."

Along the way, I've mastered the art of "switch out ingredients from the recipe on the back of a Cook Do package at will" and become quite proficient in "adapt the Better Homes & Gardens chili recipe for my daughter's young taste buds."

The video I made today covers a skill I like to call "rice cooker hacking." The background music is a Shawshank Redemption remix that didn't make it onto Space Pirate Collection III.

Space Pirate Collection III

Just past a year since the release of Space Pirate Collection II, my third game music tribute album is ready for public consumption. I released Space Pirate Collection III a week ago, but didn't advertise it here until now, because I was busy being pummeled into submission by the busiest two weeks of the entire year at work. Anyway, now the pummeling is over, so the pummeling can begin!

The game I currently love

It's been a while. Not much to share, except that Monster Hunter World is excellent. If you don't believe me, just check out my ever-increasing playlist of live streams.

Month of HZD: Nora love

Photo mode allows you to commemorate victories, capture dramatic intrigue and catalog bested foes, but did you know you can also use it for...what ever this is?

Month of HZD: Pink haze

Please excuse me while I kiss this haze.

Month of HZD: Up close

Reviews of Horizon Zero Dawn generally said good things about the character models, but complained that some of the facial animations were on the unnatural side. While I basically agree, complaints about the animation detract too much from the models, which are some of the best I've seen.

Month of HZD: Red sky's all right

I remember playing the "telephone game" in third grade. The original message was "Red sky in the morning, sailors take warning / red sky at night, sailors' delight." None of the kids in the class were familiar with the saying, so it gradually morphed as it went around the room. By the time it reached the last student, it had evolved into "Red sky in the morning / Red sky in the daytime / Red sky at night / Red sky's all right."

Month of HZD: The little dead tree that could

For people unfamiliar with Horizon Zero Dawn, it may be difficult to tell which of these screenshots were taken during regular gameplay and which were taken during cutscenes. This was taken during regular gameplay, but the game presented this dead tree to me in a way that made it look really important. It was as if Aloy's destiny rested with the fate of this tree.

But that's not the case. This is just a dead tree in epic lighting.

Month of HZD: Corruption

Sometimes machines in the game get contaminated with a condition called the Corruption. It makes them red and poisonous, and...I don't know, angry?

Month of HZD: Namesake

Most of the game passes without the player being let in on the meaning of the title. The moment shown in this screenshot is from around the point in the story where that finally gets explained. I won't spoil it here.

I wonder how many players noticed how much that ice formation in the background looks like a scary skull face?

Month of HZD: Ballad of Redmaw IV

Before heading back to the hunters' lodge with Talanah, Aloy gives Ahsis a warrior's funeral. Also known as a dipshit's funeral. Farewell, dipshit.

Month of HZD: Negative ions are bullshit

I'm pretty sure negative ions have no effect on one's health. They are only associated with health and relaxation because they're associated with places like waterfalls and forests, which are relaxing to be near, regardless of what type of atoms are in the air nearby.

Month of HZD: Ruins

Architectural remnants of the pre-apocalyptic world show up now and again, however seldom.

Month of HZD: Stalkers

You can't see them here, but in this photo Aloy is proceeding with caution because she knows there are Stalkers around. The Stalker is the game world's robotic analog to a panther with stealth capability and an exaggerated tail. They literally turn invisible and wait for someone to trip their electronic trip alarms. They must be a good monster...because I hate them.

Month of HZD: A sound of thunder

How about this weather, huh? Considering the relatively small area in which Horizon Zero Dawn takes place, the climate is awfully varied. Warm-looking rains fall several miles away from a desert complete with rock formations, which in turn are just a few minutes' run from snowy mountains. It all feels gigantic when you're playing, of course.

Month of HZD: Ballad of Redmaw III

After wiping the floor with Redmaw's sorry mug, Aloy stands on its carcass and contemplates what a chump Ahsis was.

Month of HZD: Hole in the mountain

I climbed and climbed and found myself looking up at a mountainside with a hole in it, through which brilliant sunshine was burning. It took me a few seconds to understand exactly what I was seeing.

Apologies for the delayed posts. January might not have been the best month to commit to a entry-a-day feature.

Month of HZD: You're all in big trouble

It's not all machine smashing. The world is populated with human baddies (why are they bad? I don't really remember), often holed up in guarded fortresses. Aloy can go in stealthily, or literally guns blazing. This picture is a prelude to the latter.

Month of HZD: Stormbirds are the worst II

Again, the game forced me to fight a Stormbird. This shot, taken during a cutscene, shows its surprise entrance. I saw this cutscene three or four times because I kept dying during this fight.

Month of HZD: Where the wild things probably are

And Aloy sailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year. Here she is, pictured slightly before the onset of the Wild Rumpus.

Month of HZD: Snapmaw aftermath

I remember the context behind this image. I had just faced my first group of Snapmaw, the game's mechanized equivalent of alligators. I had also either just learned, or was about to learn, the joy of using blast bombs, an explosive type of ammo fired from a slingshot, to knock bits of armor off machines. The already-visceral combat, paired with the visual feedback of armor chunks flying off an enemy and the indescribably satisfying sound of an enemy's components being damaged beyond repair, make fighting machines a treat that the player seeks out, rather than a chore to be avoided.

Month of HZD: Ballad of Redmaw II

Arriving at the scene of the impending ass-handing, Aloy and Talanah witness Ahsis talking sass to Redmaw, who prepares to unmake the bigot in spectacular fashion.

This is a still from a cutscene. What I like about it isn't what's happening. It's what's clearly inevitable.

To be continued

Month of HZD: Climate change

It is illustrated, through the game's collectable lore, that Horizon Zero Dawn takes place in a post-apocalyptic Colorado. As you can see, in far-future Colorado there are palm trees.

I don't remember how I got it to look like this. The photo was taken during the game's night cycle, yet the sky is blazing.

Month of HZD: Trusty steed

Certain types of machines can be subdued and used as mounts. There isn't a whole lot of utility for this mechanic, as Aloy's agility in battle suffers on a mount, and the fast travel feature usually negates the need for cross-country expeditions. But it sure does look cool.

Month of HZD: What up, my dudes

The world of Horizon Zero Dawn can feel underpopulated, but you occasionally come across random bands of travelers (often in mid-battle with some metal monstrosity). I don't know what the story is with these guys, but they were trekking around with their cool-looking armor one fine morning and I decided to make them say "cheese."

Month of HZD: High cliff

This shot's purpose is to show that not every shot you take in photo mode has to be a traditional landscape. By adjusting the elevation, field of view and tilt of the camera, creative compositions are also possible. In this case, it was the only way to capture the sheer elevation of this cliff.

Month of HDZ: Victory picnic

Remember those Stormbirds I talked about earlier? After finally managing to bring one down, I was so happy I just sat on its carcass and ate a sandwich.

Month of HZD: Ballad of Redmaw I

There's a subplot in the game where Aloy endeavors to gain favor at the Hunters' Lodge, an exclusive society of machine hunters. Standing in her way is the prejudiced and highly unlikeable leader of the Lodge, the Sunhawk Ahsis. One day Ahsis runs off to fight Redmaw, a Thunderjaw of legedary repute. Knowing that Ahsis is about to get his ass handed to him, Aloy and her Lodge sponsor, Talanah, rush to the scene.

To be continued

Month of HZD: Stormbirds are the worst

Of all the mechanized terrors that Aloy faces, you might think that the Thunderjaw, a robotic T-rex, is the most fierce. But no Thunderjaw in the game has given me as much trouble as the Stormbirds have. These oversized eagles are equally hard to evade and to hit, by virtue of their flight, and they are my least favorite enemy to face. I didn't beat a Stormbird until a mission for the Hunters' Lodge forced me to do so, and even then, it took me repeated tries.

This screenshot is of the first Stormbird I encountered in the game, before I knew how devastating they were. See how I'm getting ready to shoot an arrow at him, like I know what I'm doing? I don't.

Month of HZD: I have no mouth and I must Aloy

In stark contrast to the natural splendor of most of Horizon Zero Dawn's world, the "cauldrons" (dungeons that Aloy must navigate to upgrade her ability to override enemy machines) are claustrophobic techno horrors. In my opinion, these cauldrons aren't the game's most fun environments, nor are they the prettiest to look at. Their very presence in a game otherwise full of rivers and rock formations is, nonetheless, impressive.

Month of HZD: The high road

Horizon Zero Dawn has a number of locations that can only be reached by climbing mountain faces. The problem, as is the problem with many games, is that the player needs to become accustomed to seeing mountains in terms of what can or can't be climbed on. HZD's remedy for this is to give all naturally-occuring, graspable hand holds a subtle highlight of white paint, as if some post-apocalyptic road worker with nothing better to do has roamed the entirety of the game map with a bucket of Glidden and a can-do attitude.

The white highlights you see on the mountains in the background on the left are not those highlights. That's snow. The actual highlights are much harder to spot.

Month of HZD: Moonlight is secondhand sunlight

Have you ever thought about how weird that is? Even when the Sun is hidden from view by the planet, the Moon is reflecting the Sun's light at you. And even on nights when there's a new moon and the sun's light is unable to reach you via that route, it's still getting to you, albeit in much smaller amounts, by reflecting off other planets.

And the Sun is so far from the Earth that its light takes eight and a half minutes just to get here without reflecting off anything else. So, if the Sun were to suddenly turn green, we wouldn't even know it for the first eight and a half minutes. People would be like, "The Sun's green!" And I'd be all, "Yeah, that's old news."

Month of HZD: Outskirts of Meridian

Today on Month of HZD, we take you to Meridian, the bustling commercial hub. Its busy marketplace is full of eccentric characters, like the guy whose job is to give Aloy items in exchange for metal flowers she's collected. That guy's weird.

Unfortunately, the photo mode's camera controls are pared down when Aloy enters a settlement, so I won't be sharing a photo of Weird Flower Guy today.

Month of HZD: Day one

Happy New Year!

The on-again-off-again affair that is Chorus, Isolate, Confirm's written component is getting 2018 off to a running start with another Month of Screenshots. But this time I'll only be posting images generated in the photo mode of my favorite game of 2017, Horizon Zero Dawn.

Month of HZD, if you please.

This open-world hunting adventure title has the distinction of being the first game in decades to hold my attention long enough for me to entertain the possibility of "hundred percenting" it – obtaining every achievement/trophy the game has to offer, something I don't think I've done since the advent of achievements/trophies. And since the game regularly surrounds the protagonist (Aloy, a highly-skilled warrior who makes wry and slightly annoying comments under her breath while she gathers medicinal herbs) with all manner of natural splendor, the built-in photo mode is one of its best features.

I'll begin the Month of HZD with this image of Aloy on a snowy mountain. Judging from the wintery scene, you might think Aloy climbed this mountain to catch a glimpse of the first sunrise on January 1. But after the machine apocalypse that has birthed the game's setting, I'm not sure dates and calendars continued to be a high priority.